Your Addictive Personality…
I think one of the best channels dealing with addiction on YouTube is Put The Shovel Down. I just saw a short clip that deals with a topic I really needed to hear today:
I don’t care how long you have in recovery, this tends to be an issue: fighting or even hating the part of ourselves that can make us a bit obsessive. You know, the part of us that kept going back to the substance repeatedly, pursuing it relentlessly. We would not be denied; we would get our stuff, no matter what!
A lot of us in early recovery do the same thing. We don’t just go to meetings and be of service. Nope, we do the obsessive deep-dive into the thing. Secretary at two or more meetings- check. Area service commitment- check. Attend 180 meetings in 90 days? Three or more sponsors for each of our “issues?” Check. Been there, done that.
One way or another, we get our ass handed to us. Either burned out from over-commitment or straight up told by Group Conscious to back the heck off. Maybe our families and relationships suffer, or we neglect work. Whatever happens, at some point, we’re confronted with the reality that the same impulses and compulsions that guided our addiction are now guiding our recovery. Ouch…
Many of us might learn the wrong lesson from all that and feel intense shame, even self-loathing. It might not manifest until years into the Recovery process, well past the point of active treatment or counseling. It may have contributed to leaving your meetings behind, and you find yourself somewhat isolated, just like active addiction.
I went through this just this morning during our daily “business” meeting, drinking coffee on the porch. Briefly: our practice is doing pretty well, and we’re seeing results (finally) after a year of planning and effort. One of the barriers to progress, especially a year ago, has been my tendency to fly off in five directions at the same time. I have idea after idea, any two of which are beyond the real barriers to progress: time and experience. You know- realistic planning and execution. I’m kinda starting to do the same thing again, coming up with killer ideas that are beyond our abilities at resources at the current moment.
The thing is, I felt an old shame while talking about it, and I went into this negatively critical headspace that feels like the same old bugaboos, a little like my active addiction and a little like the “pink cloud” phase of early recovery when I was trying to do everything everywhere all at once.
All I need to do is remember where I came from and break things down into simple, achievable steps. My “personality” works this way, and with a little focused effort, I can use it for good instead of…well, silliness. There’s nothing “bad” about it.
If you can relate to this even a little, watch the video linked above. Better yet, subscribe to Amber’s site: Put the Shovel Down. I don’t always agree with her, but I trust her and what she presents. I’ve been following her for a few years , and she’s an excellent resource for information and tips. Best of all, she presents ALL sides to recovery and addiction, not just one or two cherry-picked ideas.
As for this site, hang tight. I have a lot of ideas…
